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Posts Tagged ‘Marriage’

spousal rape

April 4, 2020 1 comment

What to Do if You're Raped on a Date - Date Rape Victim

Yesterday afternoon, my wife brought an Instagram post to my attention. The post was a screenshot of an email from a distraught woman to a popular Nigerian relationship platform. The woman, a wife, narrated the gruesome story of how her philandering husband raped and beat her [in the presence of their three-year-old daughter] after she refused to have sex with him. She asked for advice on what to do as they’re observing an isolation period. We discussed how terrible and unfortunate her situation was/is, read some comments (which included sound advice offered), and moved on.

Later that night, my wife showed me the screenshot of an email from another subscriber in response to the woman’s email. This email proceeded to berate the woman for being a bad wife who deserved what she got. I couldn’t believe my eyes as I read. The basic gist was a husband owns his wife and cannot rape her; and because he paid her bride price, he can do with her as he pleases. Honestly, I wasn’t going to comment on the issue, until I remembered he stated his entire high school alumni Whatsapp group agreed with him. I suspect they attended an all boys’ school. Apparently, the only person who had disagreed with him was his wife! Yes, he’s a married man. So, if his claim that scores of other men agreed with his logic, then there’s clearly a huge problem with a lot of men who were raised in this country.

I sent an email to the platform to set him straight. I’m not sure if it was posted, but I figured I might as well go on a larger platform to address the issue. As Edmund Burke said,”The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”

First, like I did in my email, in case there is someone going through or has gone through something similar, I sympathize. It must have been so devastating to be raped and beaten, not by a stranger or boyfriend, but by your husband [and in front of your daughter/son]. According to her narration, their daughter was crying and telling her dad to stop. I hope the little girl is too young to remember that traumatic experience. Anyway, in the email, since they apparently live in New York, my advice was for her to report the abuse to the police as promptly as she could, before the situation escalates into something life-threatening; because sadly, that pattern of abuse may continue and worsen. If that’s happening elsewhere, like Nigeria, I’d advice doing the same, and additionally telling someone who can help and/or reaching out NGOs like the popular Crime Victims Foundation (CRIVIFON) and Stand To End Rape (STER) Initiative. I also applauded her for sticking it out with her husband – living with him, making his meals, doing his laundry and all, despite the cheating and insults.

Secondly, I apologized to all women for the shameful comments some men put up there to insult the woman or cheer the “responder”. The comments from a lot of men were appalling and disappointing. There were many stand-up guys that condemned that behavior, but it seemed to me that egoistic and unexposed men were the majority; and they were from all across Nigeria, and the diaspora as well, unfortunately.

Now, to the issue at hand. If my wife refuses to have to sex with me, and I force myself on her, it’s rape. Plain and simple. Once there’s sex without consent, it is rape; whether she is your wife or not. A woman being your wife or paying bride price doesn’t make her your personal sex slave nor does it rid her of her individuality. It is absolutely possible to rape your wife, and if you forcefully have sex with her, you’ve raped her!

It is absolutely ridiculous to me that grown men are defending the actions of such a shameless and uncultured husband. He supposedly has a girlfriend who is currently unavailable (due to the isolation), and because of that, turned to the wife, who he regularly ridicules and disrespects, for sex?! Who does that? How shameless and horny does one have to be to do that?

Another thing, the “responder” quoted a popular Bible passage to buttress his point on submitting and letting a husband have his way with his wife. I hate it when people quote the Bible out of context. Let’s just stop. The passage is Ephesians 5:22-25. The summary is women submit to your husband, men love your wives. If you, as a husband, love your wife the way Christ loves the church (that is, unconditionally, with all your might, with all your heart), she will undoubtedly submit to your leadership and respect you. God’s word is infallible. Don’t demand respect or submission, if you haven’t been loving. God is not a liar. Do your part and she’ll do hers!

Granted, the good book also says couples shouldn’t deny each other their bodies in marriage (1 Corinthians 7:4) – whether in spite or whatever – a husband’s body “belongs” to his wife’s and her body “belongs” to him, but your wife can say no, if she doesn’t want to. It can be quite upsetting, but rather than dwell on that, the onus is on you, as her husband, to understand the reason why and see what can be done. Self control is very important here. Wanting to have your way every single time is how children behave; that’s not being a good man/husband.

If your wife doesn’t want to have sex and you do, it could be for several reasons. It might be because she’s tired or not in a good mood, and you should try to understand that. It might be not easy, but that’s marriage. Maybe you could give her massage, or get her to talk about what’s wrong etc. She might feel better and pounce on you later, she might sleep off, she might not want to talk about it at the time. Whatever it may be, the important thing is to respect her and respect her wishes.

Her refusal is also not grounds for infidelity. No one can chase you into the arms of another woman. If the refusal is frequent, maybe see a marriage counselor. My point is, please do not force yourself on your wife; it is rape. You made a vow before God and man to cherish, honor and love her, and you should have the integrity to keep it. Husbands, please, be responsible and respectful to your wives. Think about the sort of example are you setting/planning to set for your daughters and sons.

bells

December 21, 2019 1 comment

He who finds a wife, finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord – Proverbs 18:22 [NKJV]

I met Jumoke, an amazing lady, who redefined what love means to me, while we were only just friends. She makes me happy, makes me want to be better and do better, and she’s got my back all day everyday.

When I proposed to her and she agreed to marry me, it was a dream come true!🧖 However, before there can be a wedding, as is expected, there must be a pre-wedding shoot. Ours was loads of fun.

We had Ibrahim Akinola, a brilliant photographer; he had great concepts and positive vibes; and just created a relaxing atmosphere. Thanks Klala Photography 👍🏽. However, the shoot was mostly a blast because of whom I was taking the pictures with and what she means to me 🥰.

Soon, we’ll be exchanging vows, and I’m looking forward to forever with her, and the empire we’re set to build 😉.

#SoIntoJu

marriage

June 16, 2016 4 comments

Like a lot of young Nigerians in my age range, the older generation [and married friends] have been on my neck on getting married. At almost all social events, all I hear is “When are you getting married?”, “Se a ma tun se ti wo naa?” and so on, all I do is smile or reply “soon”. Over here marriage is an achievement, just another notch on the belt. Don’t get me wrong, I’d absolutely love to settle down someday, and by God’s grace, at the right time, I will. Besides, what I’ve realized is they’re not so much asking when I’m getting married as when my wedding day is, and there’s so much to marriage than just the wedding.

Almost every little girl dreams of her wedding to her tall and handsome knight in shiny armor. She has her dress, she has her plan on how everything will play out, and for the longest time, she looks forward to it. It sometimes gets worse as they get older. I wonder if any thought goes into what happens after the wedding? Here’s a hint – not 24/7 romance; reality happens.

marriage I think no one should rush you, neither should you rush yourself into marriage; God-willing, you’re gonna spend the rest of your long life with this person. Before getting married, I think the people involved need to know why they’re getting married. The years we’ve put in isn’t good enough. We can’t wait any longer is no good either. We’re running out of time/last chance isn’t even close. We love each other is half the answer. Obviously, love is absolutely necessary for any healthy and mature relationship to flourish, but it is insufficient on its own. You should want to get married because you are compatible – because you have similar interests, because you’re the best of friends, because you’re supportive of each other, because you want and enjoy many of the same things, because you understand each other, and of course, because you love each other. Healthy long-term relationships that stand the test of time are based on love, respect, and compatibility.

Dr. Daniel Rutley, who wrote an article I read on some years, is a strong advocate of compatibility in relationships. He says getting married just because of love is dangerous, infantile and immature, but that countless, supposedly mature adults do this every weekend for that single reason alone. He says self-identity is completely formed by the 27th year of life (even many older adults still struggle with who they are), so if you get married before your identity as a separate autonomous human being has formed, you interfere with this process.

He also says there are two other aspects of compatibility to consider when choosing a mate or deciding to stay with one, is the issue of lifestyle and personality – do you like the same movies, restaurants or types of vacations? Do you have a healthy style of conflict resolution, a money management system, the same long-term goals, and so on? Are you similar in character, curiosity, vitality, intellect, appearance, sexual passion, artistic interest, adaptability, self-concept, moods, communication, kindness, autonomy/closeness, humor, sociability, energy, ambition, education, spirituality, values, morals and ethics? He says this list only scratches the surface, but it is a guide for you to consider before taking the plunge. You can follow this link to read the complete article.

There is a lot of compromise in the best of relationships. It is however important to note that each time there is a compromise, someone gets less of what they want, and after a while, it can become exhausting. The greater the similarity between the two people – including emotional health and maturity – the better the chance of the relationship working long term.